Shopping and business, business and shopping

Last month's supermarket excursion saw me fill my trolley to bursting point. Meal planning is the way to go - the whole family thinks I've gone mad or am just proving their point about previous madnesses. But you know, working out exactly what we will eat on each day of the month and making the list according to our having 'mince, 500g, lean steak not beef ' or 'chicken breasts not legs, wings or thighs' five times a month and using '32 soft white, not quilted toilet rolls' seemed to be working. We are spending less time and money in that dreaded T-place.
Well, it was working until Child A came to look after the house and dogs for a weekend and brought in contraband white bread and ate the wrong meals on the wrong days. The system was also fine until Child D did his homework on the back of my monthly list - which I had been laughed out of town for suggesting we should type into the computer. It seemed fairly reasonable to keep the list on the worktop in the composting heap of 'important things that we need to do something about' until it became 'How the Vikings Lived'. It was a daft idea anyway.

Anyway, that's enough about lists for now. I have decided that it is time to teach the T-place a lesson in small-business methods. Next month I shall be up and down the aisles until the cart of doom is stacked like an overloaded skip. I will then sail confidently through the unmanned checkout, unclipping that no entry magnet thing that children think is funny to stick to handbags and belts. I'm going to see if anyone notices and when they do I will be ready.
"Excuse me madam, you don't seem to have paid for your shopping"
"No, I just haven't got the money"
"But madam, you have to pay"
"I have decided that the T-place has enough money for now, I'll pay you when I get some"
"If you insist on continuing to unload these goods madam I will be forced to call for assistance"
"Ha, ha. I've been coming here for years and you can just wait a bit longer to be paid. I need my money for other things like a holiday, petrol and clothes."
"Madam, I will need you to stop now and accompany me to the office"
At this point I shall calmly tell Mr Pseudo-policeman that I will be able to pay him in three weeks and that he should know that I am a good customer and if he accepts my deal I will come back for lots more food and tell all my friends about the great experience I've had. I know this will work.
In my small-business world this is a daily scenario. It's not agreed credit it's actually weasling out of paying for a service which has been used or goods which have been delivered. This behaviour is breaking the back of small businesses.

The solution
Communication is the key, I like people to talk to me and will be kind when they do
When you order, if you know the terms are going to be hard to meet, ask for longer to pay
Don't place the order if you know you can't pay - this is called 'stealing'
Stick to terms, if the invoice says 14 days, pay in 14 days
If you can't pay have the good grace to pick up the phone before it becomes a crisis, say "sorry" then agree further terms
Don't waffle on about how you can't pay because you are owed £50,000 and you are on holiday next week and will pay when you get back.
If you are having money problems do not ignore them, talk to your bank and accountant - get help
Never ever lie, we have heard it all before, "The cheque is in the post" is so old it is on its third facelift

And just a little more about lists. In the name of further happying-up our already interesting lives, I present to you...Shopping List Nonsense. After this you will never write a boring shopping list again. Next time you go to the shop, (not the monthly shop mentioned above but the must-have things you dash out for in-between), write a fabulous list. It must be interesting and include something that if it were picked up by a stranger would be intriguing:
Ear hair straighteners
Oven ready chipmunks
Tish shoes
Go Cat Go
Now, when you have unloaded the bags - leave it in the trolley, words upwards, so that who ever picks it up can't help but react. You sniggered when you wrote it and they laughed (or thought what a sad nutter you were) when they read it. Either way it's a bit of light entertainment when no one can afford to go out anymore because their customers won't pay!

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